“Don’t believe what your eyes are telling you. All they show is limitation. Look with your understanding, find out what you already know, and you will see the way to fly.” Richard Bach~ Illusions
I had a friend visit the other day. There is apprehension to invite anyone over as I am recovering from this final pass of Neptune to my natal Saturn. Yup, responsibility completely dissolved. If you want something, do it your own damn self. This is a close friend that I feel a very open trust with and welcomed him into my abode/nightmare knowing I would not be judged. What did surprise me was to hear, “Don’t worry, someday your ship will come in”; four times. The third time he continued with, “You know that right?”. He really speaks with a genuine sense of confidence and conviction, all I could do was mutter a “Yeah, I know”.
After he departed, I went over to my astrology books and pulled out The Astrological Mandala by Dane Rudhyar. The book is based off of the work of Marc Edmund Jones and the Sabian Symbols. The symbols were assigned to astrological degrees by a clairvoyant friend of Jones’s. I do find credibility in their use when applying the principle of synchronicity. I decided to check out my part of fortune. The Part of Fortune is the degree which brings fortune into our lives, for better or worse. Flipping through the book…thumbing…turning pages… Ahh, here we go… Cancer 22…and the symbol is… “A young woman awaiting a sailboat.”
Can this become more ironic? Why, yes it can. My Part of Fortune is conjunct my 7th house…the Descendant…the house of marriage and partnerships. Guess I should review my ships, my fortunes, and my partners. My first marriage was one of rapid growth and acquisition. We went to school, started careers, by 24 we bought a house, had 3 cars, and a wallet full of credit cards. I am ashamed when I look back on those years. I was unsatisfied all of the time because I wanted more and more: bigger house, more clothing, the latest of everything. My career had me working side by side with both wealthy co-workers and clients. I would feel so cheated by life if I didn’t get my way. God help those on the receiving end off one of my rants… So and so have an rx7…it’s just not fair… I was the walking Capricorn stereotype! Well the Cancer Moon stereotype was present also. I took in foster kids, the one that tugged strongest at my heart a 13 year old child with her own infant. I would have done anything for her, including being shot at; risking arrest for harboring a ward of the court…I made sure she moved away to a safe new home. The next foster child came from a violent background, homelessness, and nomadic existence. She was a handful, but it was easy to feel compassion toward her and very little more than contempt for her parents. I complained out loud about how inexcusable her mother’s behavior was and how she should just…blah, blah, blah.
That was the turning point. If my life was a movie this would be the point that the theatre would darken, the heavy burgundy velvet curtain would rise. The title would flash “Ain’t Karma a Bitch” starring the full cast of the great malefics. And the frame would spin into hypnotic swirl while the tinny music from The Twilight Zone fills the air and drowns out the comment from Stephen King to Alfred Hitchcock of “You can’t make this kind of shit up.” So the malefics are in the wings in brass knuckles and swinging bats while sizing up my 12th house Sun. Frenzied excitement at the realization that the Nodes will be hit too, an opposition to the Moon and a square to Jupiter in the second who will then pull out of that orb and right onto a direct hit to Mercury and Mars on the ascendant, opposing the Part of Fortune…my ship. Pluto did linger behind, sitting on my natal Neptune on the MC and squaring natal Saturn. I am so in for a ride… lets go for a condensed version on my next relationship… Lie, drugs, violence, loosing house/cars/credit, moving constantly, ambulances, police, murder, wrecks, threats, sleep deprivation, theft, did i mention the lies? All while I worked multiple jobs and had my Saturn return babies. Okay, I get it now… I was in that same place I had passed judgment on. After the restraining order and miles of distance I started to fix that ship myself.
I started a manufacturer’s rep business. I was able to keep the wolves from the door and start over. My sister works for a company that has adopted a family to be a Secret Santa to, and she came to me for donations since I represented lots of lines with toy samples. She gave me the list hand-written by each child. Normal kid stuff until I got to the teenage girl’s list. The words I saw there changed my life. The only thing this child asked for was sanitary napkins. Even writing this now I have burst in to tears at the memory. Suddenly fighting crowds at the mall to find a Teletubby doll felt surreal and horribly decadent. I made the same mistake…I questioned the way this could ever happen.
Uranus is now on my Venus. The way I met my next future ex-husband was very Uranian. Internet, airplanes, and blinding bolt of intuition. The day I went to meet him, I was on my first flight in many, many years. Neptune was sitting on the ascendant with my mercury and mars. I was very stoic knowing I was headed to another round of karma. Near the end of the flight a man came over and sat next to me. He told me he was a pilot and would like for me to join him in the pilots lounge while waiting for my connection. Now this knocked me out of the stoic… I remember thinking not now, I have destiny to deal with and I won’t make the connection if I did go with him. A cute Venus conjunct story I thought amusing to add in 🙂
This next marriage was far worse than the last relationship. I was blind-sighted… It was all illusions and sleight of hands…smoke and mirrors. One step forward, two steps back. This was definitely Neptune’s game, but we have a new player now… He came with Pluto transiting his 7th house of partnerships and a natal conjunction of Venus and the Moon in the 8th…exactly opposite my Part of Fortune…the ship. The relationship was more of an insidious nature than I ever could have imagined. There was death in both figurative and literal sense. The passiveness of the neglect was something I hadn’t experienced before. The environment fell apart and it was too much to care about…my physical body was doing the same by the imposed necessity of sacrifice.
There were all sorts of deaths, an “accident” that affected my aviary I still haven’t psychologically or financially recovered from: death of dreams, hopes, joys, and wonderment. In the true nature of Pluto, death turns to decay. The oppressive grinding overburdened energies bringing the relationship to a complete halt… But don’t take off those seatbelts yet…and the ride goes in reverse to revisit ghosts and the putrid carnage that was your life. The rebirth with Pluto came as thoughts considered taboo at one time. I did find that a very large life insurance had been placed on me and really got the point when my young daughter showed me extension cord he insisted she plug in over the bedding…it was stripped and wires exposed the entire length.
Back to the Sabian symbol “a young woman awaiting a sailboat”, I decided to review some of the highlights in my life. That aforementioned foster child, I looked her up some years back and found a happily married young woman with three kids and a wonderful job. She told me because of my belief in her she chose to succeed in life against all odds. There is nothing in this world I would trade that timeless influence for. This was truly priceless. Priceless? Hey, that is one of those words being tossed about on that boat I am waiting on. When my daughter was in elementary school she refused an award for helping out a handicap child. She stated that no one should have to be rewarded for human decency. My daughter not only understood and applied the concept, she taught to others…priceless again! The boat is here, isn’t it? My son and I were playing the “what would you do if you had a million dollars” game. He was surprised O wouldn’t move to a bigger house and would instead fix this one up. On his turn I got to hear his list of video systems he had to have and then this look of disbelief that somehow this was overlooked. In an incredulous voice he said, “Mom! What about the homeless?” I had hit the priceless jackpot! I don’t know if that Christmas wish list for sanitary pads will ever fail to bring tears to my eyes, but I know not to question the journey, for I found myself in the same shoes a few years ago at an emergency community center looking for the same. When we can, we pick up extra commodities and take it to that same center…30 tubes of toothpaste…and i become sad thinking of the 31st, 100th, 1,000th person.
So, this Neptune retrograde marks my final dance with a transit from the planet of illusions. I seemed to have only one possession that I have clung on to; my dream car, a 1974 super beetle that lived on my driveway not even running. After some financial brainstorming, the realization that by selling it I would have the down payment needed for a running car. What a horrible pill to swallow, I had put the love of an object before the needs of my family. I didn’t have to think twice about this, I would sell the bug. Miraculously, a way to pay the repairs appeared and I now look to this car as a tool instead of an extension of self…I finally get it, I can own a possession and I can be sure it in turn does not own me. How liberating and definitely ship worthy is that?
I am so looking forward to seeing my friend again. I will excitedly jump around and wave my arms about and exclaim, “Look, look, see! The ship is here, it always has been here!” He will probably look at me with that air of calm he has and think to himself “She reminds me of the crazy cat lady from the Simpsons”. And I will continue, “Really it is here somewhere! Maybe the dogs drug it out back!” Ii survived Neptune’s tsunamis, floods and riptides. When all is said and done, I have made a difference in lives that will live on through others. I think I will name my ship the Spirit of Compassion. The remainder of the Sabian Symbol description is “The beloved may come, not in a glittering opera houses, but in the silence of the inner sea of consciousness.”