I have always defended the positive aspects brought to us via “my friend” Neptune. We have compassion, spirituality, the acceptance of our fellow man, an unlimited supply of unconditional love. Lately, I feel like an victim in a Stockholm Syndrome scenario, defending my personal perpetrator. I have to find good in this planet, we are bound together in an eternal dance macabre. Peeling back the layers of illusion to find more self delusions at the core. When I am done peeling, what will be left? Neptune, the dissolver of self isn’t telling, but promising me a lifetime of discovery.
I was born with Neptune in Scorpio on the MC. Neptune squares my Natal Saturn. Let’s start there. My parents, a Narcissist and an alcoholic. Childhood was filled with deceptions and twisted illusions of multiple realities. Not wanting to make this a whining woe is me article, I think that will suffice in childhood understanding. Nothing was real, illusions encouraged.
My school years had Transit Uranus going thru the 11th. Nice 😦 in the years it was important to bond with friends and create the understanding of basic relationships, Neptune was “My friend”. There was the opposition to Pluto and to Uranus, but that was true for my entire generation. Then I hit 18… WOOT freedom!! OMG, Neptune started it’s journey into my 12th house and doing the slow painful grind upon my Sun. I was a bit bewildered how real life was so different than what I had experienced growing up. Music became more important to me than ever. I met a “nice” Aquarian guy that started a multiple decade long “obsession”. Though him, I learned Astrology (I suspect many people start like that…. trying to understand an Aquarian)… I learned that the physical realities were very much an illusion and that other realities co existed. I learned to astrial travel, remote view, and open up all these psychic new realities. They were not in anyway in sync with physical reality. That messed with my head quite a bit. Then circumstances put us in different destinations. With Neptune on the Sun and opposing the Moon.. I questioned what was real often. I became so depressed that I went for psychiatric help. That did help somewhat with childhood issues, but that psychic bond was stronger than ever. The shrink had no explaination for this obsession… so just instructed me to stay busy. I really thought I was loosing my mind more than once.
Neptune finally moved off the Sun just to conjunct my Mercury/Mars/Ascendant conjunction. I developed an anxiety disorder. I would be tongue tied speaking to others. I have a sleeping disorder also, and it got much worse. All I wanted to do was sleep. This is when I started looking for others with more problems than I had. It was easier to focus on them and the dramas than to have to look at how tragic my own life had been thus far. Thus far… yeah, I made it worse and worse. I don’t know, maybe I was looking to save the world and in process save myself. Kinda went backwards that line of thinking. It was the start of a spiral into a pattern of martyrdom. This is when Neptune did it’s kindest act… worked as an anesthesia, blocking the pain, as I charged ahead in hopeless situations. I became involved with very deceptive people, those with mental illnesses, and the lost souls of the world. I shone like a beacon for all of those that needed a safe place to anchor and stoically allowed them to take what they needed from me. I put myself in situations that I should have died a number of times, but Neptune seemed to block the searing pain I was oblivious to. I was watching Family Guy the other night. Peter said something like, “Don’t kill strippers, look into their eyes, they are already dead”. I laughed so hard, almost inappropriately hard… I had lived through those years and really understood what was being said. The walking dead… I had/have been one. During this time, I worked as a bartender. I remember one night, I sat down and poured a scotch and soda, sighed and said, I really need this. I poured out the drink and have been a tea toter since. Won that Neptune challenge.
Lets see, Neptune then passes and slithers on to my natal Venus. I married that one! OMG! Everything I owned and held any type of value for was dissolved. He was diagnosised Bipolar… then the medications started and the street drugs. In the end, when I realized what was real and what were games, I felt empowered. At this point, Neptune had moved on to my natal Saturn. Now Saturn and I are close, sigh, we work well together lets say. Now that means that Neptune Transit is square Neptune and MC natal. I swear, I need to figure out what I am going to be when I grow up.
Well this retrograde is the last time Neptune will orb to Saturn… and I am done! No more Neptune…. wait a minute, what about progressions? Yes, Transit Neptune is on my progressed Sun and next year progressed Moon. Looks like we will keep the dance alive together. Looking at future progressions and such, we are tied in together for the rest of what would look like my life. And just to be sure I get my Neptune fix, seems I am only attracted to late degree Aquarians with Pisces planets, that will personally be dancing with Neptune for another decade or two.
I woke up out of the “fog” the other day, just to realize how I have been in an eternal “fog”, all I know is I hope I am burning off some serious Karma.